Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Civil War: Head vs. Heart

Did you ever have one of those moments when you are about ready to give up on something you'd be hoping for, when something surprising happens?

Have you ever had one of those moments, the ones where your heart and your head are telling you different things?

I've bumped up against a couple of those moments recently myself.

A relative in Florida has a condo he isn't living in at present. He wanted to rent it out, and asked me if I might be interested? My bank account having just been drained by the bed bug debacle and Big Brother's automotive issues, I didn't even think about it. I told him thanks, but no thanks.

That should have been the end of it, but after I hung up the phone I couldn't stop thinking about my decision, wondering if maybe I shouldn't dismiss the offer too quickly. No, moving now was never part of the plan, but plans can change, can't they?

The more I thought about it, the less crazy moving to Florida seemed. Long story short, I called him back and we talked through the details. For once in my life, the dollars and cents actually added up in my favor. At first I thought wow, this is a no brainer! But the more I thought it through, the more I realized, this isn't going to be an easy choice.

Big Brother is my heart. Do I stay here, with him?
While my head says this is a good idea, a great idea, even, my heart is saying it doesn't want to leave my son. My baby might be twenty-one years old, but he's still my baby. Being far away from him indefinitely isn't just upsetting, it actually feels wrong on the molecular level. And then there are Baby Brother and the Princesses to consider, too. How would my moving so far away affect them, after all the loss they've already been through?

Or should I choose palm trees, sunshine and financial stability?
All the things I love about Florida--the warm weather, the endless beaches, the more relaxed pace of life--all seem hollow and meaningless when I think about being there without Big Brother; Spending time with him is, truly, my definition of happiness. Yet when I try to envision my future if I stay, the picture isn't a pretty one. I can never afford to buy a home here, and rents will only continue to rise. Retiring isn't likely if I continue to be a New Jersey resident, not unless something big changes.

To only complicate the matter more, my spiritual beliefs have been nagging at me, too. How does moving so far away fit in with my desire to more deliberately live with an Attitude of Gratitude? Giving up everything and everyone I know in search of something more fiscally advantageous doesn't seem much like an act of gratitude, does it? But then again, is wasting an opportunity like this really any better?

The negative voices of my insecurities have made a point to weigh in, too, telling me that no matter what I choose, I'll probably just screw it all up anyway.

I know a decision needs to be made. I owe it to my job, to the relative who is holding his condo for me, and to my son and myself.

I'd love to hear what YOU think about this whole dilemma, so please take a moment to leave a comment with your opinion, or vote anonymously below.